It’s the Not Knowing That is The Hardest

It has been an extremely draining couple of days.

On the same evening I found out about the passing of an old friend, I found evidence that someone may have harmed my child.

I’ve been quiet as we went through the appropriate steps and began the investigation, not wanting to accuse anyone that we love and trust to take care of our child.

But I’m slipping into a hole. My hands won’t stop shaking, even four days later.  My eyes keep betraying me as they well up with tears as I do my best to stay calm.  I can’t stop thinking about it and going through every possible scenario in my head. I just wanted someone to come forward with a reasonable explanation but no one has.

And he can’t tell me.

My grip becomes tighter as I can’t imagine letting him out of my sight and I don’t know who to trust. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I don’t know where to go from here.

These words came pouring out on to my keyboard.  And they’ve just been sitting here in my “drafts” as I struggled with whether to hit the “Publish” button or not.  I didn’t want to share without knowing the truth.

But this is what I do.  I blog.  I advocate.  I want the world to know the ups and the downs of raising a child like Brian.  A child with autism who can’t speak for himself.  Who can’t tell me if someone hurt him.  Who can’t tell me if it was innocent or if it was done in frustration.  Most likely, I’ll never know the truth.  Never knowing if someone did hurt him.  Never knowing if it was just someone trying to keep him safe, like I want it to be so badly.  It’s the not knowing that makes this so hard.

How do I let go of him after this?  How do I leave his side?  How do I trust?

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Heather Nelson

About Heather Nelson

Heather resides in Rockland where she is busy juggling life as a newlywed, a mom to two boys (one of which who has autism), a part time job in direct sales, and a full-time job as a pediatric occupational therapy assistant. She has a love for live music, karaoke, and cheering on the underdogs.