Sometimes, when Brian and I are lying together in the quiet minutes before bed or just after waking up in the morning, I start talking.
It just rolls off of my tongue and I let my whole heart out.
Tonight, after hearing about another hard day at school and seeing bruises on his forehead and the backs of his hands to prove it, I just wanted him to know how much I love him.
He was tucked in between my body and the back of the couch, with his head resting in my armpit. And the words just started flowing…
Brian, I love you. You know that, right? I would do anything in the world to make sure you are happy and you are safe. I know you are feeling angry lately and you have been throwing things and kicking things- I just want you to be able to tell us why you are feeling that way and let us help you move through those feelings. Brian, it breaks my heart to see these bruises on you and to know that you are so upset that you feel the need to hurt yourself. You are my everything. I love you so much.
And the words just kept flowing.
Every sentence or two Brian will respond, “Yeah” or “Okay”. Not because he’s processing what I’m saying, though I like to think he is, but just because he has learned that is an appropriate response when people are talking to you.
But I wish it was because he was able to process language. I wish it was because he had the expressive language. I wish he would reply and tell me what was wrong, why the increase in behaviors, and how I can fix it.
Because I’m his Mom. And that’s supposed to be my job- to fix it.
**originally written in January 2015**